Well it’s been really exciting. Thats all we have time for. Thanks Rusty Oldhach, our up to the minute sports reporter.
Back to the pub now Rusty?
10 Friday Aug 2012
Posted Braking News
inWell it’s been really exciting. Thats all we have time for. Thanks Rusty Oldhach, our up to the minute sports reporter.
Back to the pub now Rusty?
10 Friday Aug 2012
Posted Braking News
inJellyfish is greatly feared in Dosret. They bring bad luck which is no lol matter nor a superstition but Actual Fact. Why? Because jellyfish puts off tourists. If no one buys ice creams, cuppas of tea, starving Dosret students don’t afford university.
The scurge – as I’m calling it – is at Studland. Yes, you guessed it: this is by far the poshest bit of Dosret. It is where personages from the capital city of England called London bring their children, nanneys, oh pears and Range Landrovers. And their enormous wallets – yes!
Studland is where the ice cream money is. Bad Fact number One. Also, this scurge is the green jellyfish which are the worst. Bad Fact number Two. There is no Bad Fact number Three YET. BUT if a tiny, pretty babygirl from Wimbledon gets stung then we’re right in the shit deepwater.
Busty you ask, why are the green jellyfish SO bad? I tell you, no word of a lie it’s the horrible disgusting taste of lime. This is a flavour that everyone hates and not one person likes. Fact. I don’t need no marketing degree to tell you that. Red jellyfish? Strawberry – no problem. We have to pray for this.
Please be careful and if you see any colour jellyfish, or worse, the rare and VERY dangerous sub species Angeldelite email me busty@jellyscurge.org. Or if you’re male 20-65 good looking, GSOH also email me :)) LOL.
18 Wednesday Jul 2012
Posted Braking News
in18 Wednesday Jul 2012
Posted Braking News
inYoungsters are being challenged to spot and identify dictators of the world in Dosretshire shops.
The Dosretshire BID (Betty’s Indelicate Dimmer switches), the shire’s chamber of commerce and Dorsetshire Shire Council will be running the Dictators of the World competition from Saturday, 21st July.
A total of 120 dictators will be displayed in numerous shops and businesses in the cunty town to coincide with the Olympics.
Children will be tasked with locating and correctly identifying as many of the dictators as they can.
Each shop will hand out a sticker to anyone taking part in the competition who correctly guesses the dictator in their store.
Whoever guesses the most dictators win £75 to spend in one of the participating shops, with the runner-up a £40 voucher and third place £20.
Competition organiser, Major Trumpet, said: ‘What a great way to spend some of the school holidays having a hunt around the shire to see if you can collect the complete set of dictators.’
18 Wednesday Jul 2012
Posted Braking News
inTags
18 Wednesday Jul 2012
Posted Braking News
inCan you believe it? Yes it’s that time of year already and we are back in Dosret for Summer BinWatch.
The great news this year is that, despite the dreadful weather and hideous-looking tourists, Dosret bins are literally teeming with life. Bin twitchers are here from all over the world to observe and record the activity.
Throughout July and August, we’re expecting to see bins bursting with a dazzling display of crap, such as half eaten fish and chips, ice cream and sweet wrappers, condoms, lubricants and drinks.
The BBC Bin Watch team is installed – in a hide right down on the Cobb at Lyme Regis, in a prime location for filming the action.
‘Every year it blows my mind, it’s just so beautiful watching the tourists coming right up to the bins, putting their rubbish in and walking away. We’re literally feet away from them,’ whispered presenter Katy Fumble.
Bin Watch will be bringing you a daily round up of the day’s activity and you can also visit our website for LIVE BinCam images. This year for the first time, the BBC have actually put a webcam actually INSIDE the bin, so you can have see and experience unique, exclusive incredible images of rubbish falling INTO a Dosret bin.
It’s a busy few weeks. Soon September will be here and the bins will go into hibernation, visited only by the odd flurry of Werther Originals from old pensioners shuffling along the front. But no thoughts of that now. The bins must make full use of the warm weather to build themselves up for the winter.
This year BinWatch hopes to bring you exclusive images, never seen before on television (or anywhere else) of Dosret bins actually mating.
‘I seen bins at it on the front but mind you, it was dark and I was totally shit-faced, so I couldn’t be sure,’ said a Lyme Regis local.
That’s enough of a tip-off to keep our team up all night watching and waiting for a BinBonk exclusive. Stay with us at www.dosretbinwatch.org.
13 Friday Jul 2012
Tags
Bridge Club, farmer, Fluffles, Horse and Concubine, manure, pervert, Pete Dung, Piddletrenthyde, puppies
The manhunt continues for 86-year-old Farmer Pete, and his violent attack dog Fluffles. Police have been searching for Pete Dung since Monday lunchtime. He got into a fight with a young couple who were eating a romantic lunch at The Horse and Concubine. Mr. and Mrs. Arse-Smith said they were shocked and appalled at Mr. Dung’s actions, and also noted the strong smell of manure about his person.
This is not the first time the police have been interested in him. His actions in the 80s got him the name ‘Pete The Piddletrenthyde Pervert’, but this is a new notch in his portfolio of crime.
If you happen to see Mr. Dung, please email Piddletrenthyde Criminal Corrections and Bridge Club officer Sue ‘Butch’ Walker – hotbabe999@dorset.police.uk
PS: Fluffles has given birth to three adorable puppies, available now for re-homing. Your’s for just £50 each, as a donation to the upkeep of this revolutionary Internet Web-site.
Posted by dosretgent | Filed under Braking News
12 Thursday Jul 2012
Alright? Here goes then. Reports in from the Environments Agents people in Londonshire say it’s going to piss down big time all day today. And all night too.
If you haven’t got a good cagoule, you know like an expensive one with a Gawtex lining, you’re screwed. That’s all you gotta know.
Advice from the mapsters is to cancel everything; do not attempt to enjoy yourself. You might want to smash up your barbecue as a precaution.
Find out more about breaking wind and weather at www.icantbelieveitsnotsummer.org.
Posted by dosretgent | Filed under Weather
12 Thursday Jul 2012
Posted Braking News
inTags
Dosret women are taking on the men by cutting off their breasts to get into the famous Samesex morris dancing troup, finds Dosret Dairies reporter Busty Jiggler.
‘I used to have a fantastic pair of knockers – absolute beauties,’ said one local lady who did not wish to be named. ‘My husband’s mad as a bull on heat. He loves to love and just I love to dance, so that’s why I done it.’
The row broke out when bristols were observed jiggling during a morris dance, which alerted the all-male troup to the presence of the laydees. The rules stipulate that only beer bellies and man boobs may move. All other wobbling is strictly against the rules, according to Head Morris Man, Mr Maurice Mann.
‘In another context, we’re not averse to watching breasts in motion,’ Mr Mann dribbled ‘But traditions are set in stone round these parts innit.’
The women say they’ll carry on their fight, in spite of the upset – and the blood all over the carpet.
Follow the row on Titter @bustyjigglers
11 Wednesday Jul 2012
Everyone know’s Symondsbury’s famous landmark – Colmer’s Hill. But did you know that it’s actually an active volcano? I thought not, but this evening the BBC will reveal what’s really going on under the feet of the folk of Bridport. Reports from those who have been rambling in the area (you’ve been warned once already) include Kate Humble with a pneumatic drill and sticks of dynamite, shouting “DO SOMETHING YOU STUPID MOUNT!”, as well as the other presenter (who’s name has not been made clear yet) rocking up in Mini Winny (the world’s only mobile volcanic hub – a camper van with a television for those not in the know).
Posted by dosretgent | Filed under Braking News