A gurt big pole with a donut on the top has proved a controversial addition to Weymuff’s historic sea frontage (no, we’re not talking about Mavis and Betty’s frontage, both of whom sit on the Esplanade every lunchtime exposing themselves to bemused tourists).
It was commissioned and built by Dosret millionaire Earl Grey, incumbent of Arundel Fitzpayne Daphne Rugger of Piddle, who wanted a lookout post from invaders from the North. To his Dismay (his middle child), the tower faces South. Also, because of a design flaw, the windows of the tower need cleaning twice daily because seagulls perch above them and apply copious amounts of guano to the new panes of glass. Andy Gully of Gully Cleaning Services, Weymuff, said “seagulls are dirty little bastards, but they keep me in a job.” Mr Gully’s business provides all your Weymuff cleaning needs.
The tower glows green at night, partly lit by the Olympick-inspired laser lights on the seafront, partly because of its highly radioactive building materials. The lasers have sparked controversy in Weymuff too. Dosret Dairies interviewed the aforementioned Betty Fondle: “I went to one of them John Michael-Jar concerts in the 80s. In comparison, this is a bit shit.”
Busty and I were privileged enough to experience the fine dining treats on offer yesterday afternoon at the local super-market. As we loaded our shopping, mostly bottles of the Slovakian vodka Drainkleenar into the Micra (car share, innit), we thought why not see what the food hall had to offer. After all, the food there is sourced locally and you can’t get much fresher produce when all it has to travel is 10m from aisle five to plate.
I ordered the chicken burger and chips – probably one of those frozen chicken in breadcrumb jobbies from aisle seven. Rather tasty, but it was garnished with strange green bits, a red circle and arrived at the table with what looked suspiciously like a bite out of it. Busty told me that many of her Slovak countryfolk who worked in the food business would try to eat some of the food before it was plated and served up, because pay was so low and they weren’t allowed breaks for lunch. Staffing is similar in Dosret super-markets.
Busty, ever the adventurous type, ordered the fish in turnip jus, with mashed turnip. You could really taste the turnips. Turnip-tastic, she said, although she may have been referring to the woman she met last night at a social shindig.
We sneaked in a bottle of the Drainkleenar, which mixed rather well with the two lartays we had.
So overall, a 30-minute wait for food, hungry waitors, terrible music, screaming children and lack of turnips on my plate means a solid score of 9/10.
The manhunt continues for 86-year-old Farmer Pete, and his violent attack dog Fluffles. Police have been searching for Pete Dung since Monday lunchtime. He got into a fight with a young couple who were eating a romantic lunch at The Horse and Concubine. Mr. and Mrs. Arse-Smith said they were shocked and appalled at Mr. Dung’s actions, and also noted the strong smell of manure about his person.
This is not the first time the police have been interested in him. His actions in the 80s got him the name ‘Pete The Piddletrenthyde Pervert’, but this is a new notch in his portfolio of crime.
If you happen to see Mr. Dung, please email Piddletrenthyde Criminal Corrections and Bridge Club officer Sue ‘Butch’ Walker – firstname.lastname@example.org
PS: Fluffles has given birth to three adorable puppies, available now for re-homing. Your’s for just £50 each, as a donation to the upkeep of this revolutionary Internet Web-site.
Alright? Here goes then. Reports in from the Environments Agents people in Londonshire say it’s going to piss down big time all day today. And all night too.
If you haven’t got a good cagoule, you know like an expensive one with a Gawtex lining, you’re screwed. That’s all you gotta know.
Advice from the mapsters is to cancel everything; do not attempt to enjoy yourself. You might want to smash up your barbecue as a precaution.
Find out more about breaking wind and weather at www.icantbelieveitsnotsummer.org.
Everyone know’s Symondsbury’s famous landmark – Colmer’s Hill. But did you know that it’s actually an active volcano? I thought not, but this evening the BBC will reveal what’s really going on under the feet of the folk of Bridport. Reports from those who have been rambling in the area (you’ve been warned once already) include Kate Humble with a pneumatic drill and sticks of dynamite, shouting “DO SOMETHING YOU STUPID MOUNT!”, as well as the other presenter (who’s name has not been made clear yet) rocking up in Mini Winny (the world’s only mobile volcanic hub – a camper van with a television for those not in the know).