A gurt big pole with a donut on the top has proved a controversial addition to Weymuff’s historic sea frontage (no, we’re not talking about Mavis and Betty’s frontage, both of whom sit on the Esplanade every lunchtime exposing themselves to bemused tourists).

It was commissioned and built by Dosret millionaire Earl Grey, incumbent of Arundel Fitzpayne Daphne Rugger of Piddle, who wanted a lookout post from invaders from the North. To his Dismay (his middle child), the tower faces South. Also, because of a design flaw, the windows of the tower need cleaning twice daily because seagulls perch above them and apply copious amounts of guano to the new panes of glass. Andy Gully of Gully Cleaning Services, Weymuff, said “seagulls are dirty little bastards, but they keep me in a job.” Mr Gully’s business provides all your Weymuff cleaning needs.

The tower glows green at night, partly lit by the Olympick-inspired laser lights on the seafront, partly because of its highly radioactive building materials. The lasers have sparked controversy in Weymuff too. Dosret Dairies interviewed the aforementioned Betty Fondle: “I went to one of them John Michael-Jar concerts in the 80s. In comparison, this is a bit shit.”

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