A gurt big pole with a donut on the top has proved a controversial addition to Weymuff’s historic sea frontage (no, we’re not talking about Mavis and Betty’s frontage, both of whom sit on the Esplanade every lunchtime exposing themselves to bemused tourists).
It was commissioned and built by Dosret millionaire Earl Grey, incumbent of Arundel Fitzpayne Daphne Rugger of Piddle, who wanted a lookout post from invaders from the North. To his Dismay (his middle child), the tower faces South. Also, because of a design flaw, the windows of the tower need cleaning twice daily because seagulls perch above them and apply copious amounts of guano to the new panes of glass. Andy Gully of Gully Cleaning Services, Weymuff, said “seagulls are dirty little bastards, but they keep me in a job.” Mr Gully’s business provides all your Weymuff cleaning needs.
The tower glows green at night, partly lit by the Olympick-inspired laser lights on the seafront, partly because of its highly radioactive building materials. The lasers have sparked controversy in Weymuff too. Dosret Dairies interviewed the aforementioned Betty Fondle: “I went to one of them John Michael-Jar concerts in the 80s. In comparison, this is a bit shit.”
Youngsters are being challenged to spot and identify dictators of the world in Dosretshire shops.
The Dosretshire BID (Betty’s Indelicate Dimmer switches), the shire’s chamber of commerce and Dorsetshire Shire Council will be running the Dictators of the World competition from Saturday, 21st July.
A total of 120 dictators will be displayed in numerous shops and businesses in the cunty town to coincide with the Olympics.
Children will be tasked with locating and correctly identifying as many of the dictators as they can.
Each shop will hand out a sticker to anyone taking part in the competition who correctly guesses the dictator in their store.
Whoever guesses the most dictators win £75 to spend in one of the participating shops, with the runner-up a £40 voucher and third place £20.
Competition organiser, Major Trumpet, said: ‘What a great way to spend some of the school holidays having a hunt around the shire to see if you can collect the complete set of dictators.’
Can you believe it? Yes it’s that time of year already and we are back in Dosret for Summer BinWatch.
The great news this year is that, despite the dreadful weather and hideous-looking tourists, Dosret bins are literally teeming with life. Bin twitchers are here from all over the world to observe and record the activity.
Throughout July and August, we’re expecting to see bins bursting with a dazzling display of crap, such as half eaten fish and chips, ice cream and sweet wrappers, condoms, lubricants and drinks.
The BBC Bin Watch team is installed – in a hide right down on the Cobb at Lyme Regis, in a prime location for filming the action.
‘Every year it blows my mind, it’s just so beautiful watching the tourists coming right up to the bins, putting their rubbish in and walking away. We’re literally feet away from them,’ whispered presenter Katy Fumble.
Bin Watch will be bringing you a daily round up of the day’s activity and you can also visit our website for LIVE BinCam images. This year for the first time, the BBC have actually put a webcam actually INSIDE the bin, so you can have see and experience unique, exclusive incredible images of rubbish falling INTO a Dosret bin.
It’s a busy few weeks. Soon September will be here and the bins will go into hibernation, visited only by the odd flurry of Werther Originals from old pensioners shuffling along the front. But no thoughts of that now. The bins must make full use of the warm weather to build themselves up for the winter.
This year BinWatch hopes to bring you exclusive images, never seen before on television (or anywhere else) of Dosret bins actually mating.
‘I seen bins at it on the front but mind you, it was dark and I was totally shit-faced, so I couldn’t be sure,’ said a Lyme Regis local.
That’s enough of a tip-off to keep our team up all night watching and waiting for a BinBonk exclusive. Stay with us at www.dosretbinwatch.org.
I got a strong urge to visit a new part of Dosretshire called Pool and when Busty gets an urge, let me tell you, she gives in to it!!
Pool is a ‘top destination’ where many rich millionaires live. I (and maybe a thousand other babe bitches) WLTM a millionaire for laughs, good times – mostly marriage, no pre-nup.
First stop – Pool hospital. I recommend this for a single lady day out because it’s free to get in and there are many handsome doctors. Also, visiting a millionaire in his sickbed is an act of Eastern European caring kindness. Plus, he’s sick – he don’t go away, lol. It’s a secret Busty ‘dating strategy’.
In the hospital, there are 3 cafes (yes!) plus shops selling sweets, magazines, flowers – in fact, everything a sick man needs. Except sex in his bed. But don’t worry, lol, that’s where I come in.
It was not as easy as I thought to a) spot the millionaires or c) show them a good time. None of the sick men had Rolex watches on. I got no help from the nurses who were not friendly. They want to keep all the rich patients to themselves.
After a day’s big effort, I have not had success but ‘I’ll be back’ as I always say, to quote my favourite singer Britney Speers.
This week, the question burning a hole in my crop circle is: is it possible to ‘Dress Stylishly in Dosret’?
Seriously, it’s not Southampton innit but it’s still a big question. Especially for some of the horsey type Dosret laydees who don’t always look exactly what we call in Slovakia – marriage material. I, Busty have been on a retail therapy course and now can share with you how to stop looking like a skanky old baggage (joke!) and more like the townie people laughing and looking stylish in that shop Fat Bum Face, whatever.
My first advice is to totally go to New Look because this is a proper Dosret shop. Not many people know this and it has become very successful all over the world and the wide web. We should ‘buy local’. Myself, I can’t fit my luxury size hooters in any of their scrawny little tops but you will love this shop. If you are older than 25, you will need a teenage girl to shop with you. If you have no teenage girl, do what I do: borrow one! They are hanging round everywhere. Don’t think bad thoughts that this is shoplifting but rather a new current hobby among Dosret youngsters called ‘looking for a job’.
Busty and I were privileged enough to experience the fine dining treats on offer yesterday afternoon at the local super-market. As we loaded our shopping, mostly bottles of the Slovakian vodka Drainkleenar into the Micra (car share, innit), we thought why not see what the food hall had to offer. After all, the food there is sourced locally and you can’t get much fresher produce when all it has to travel is 10m from aisle five to plate.
I ordered the chicken burger and chips – probably one of those frozen chicken in breadcrumb jobbies from aisle seven. Rather tasty, but it was garnished with strange green bits, a red circle and arrived at the table with what looked suspiciously like a bite out of it. Busty told me that many of her Slovak countryfolk who worked in the food business would try to eat some of the food before it was plated and served up, because pay was so low and they weren’t allowed breaks for lunch. Staffing is similar in Dosret super-markets.
Busty, ever the adventurous type, ordered the fish in turnip jus, with mashed turnip. You could really taste the turnips. Turnip-tastic, she said, although she may have been referring to the woman she met last night at a social shindig.
We sneaked in a bottle of the Drainkleenar, which mixed rather well with the two lartays we had.
So overall, a 30-minute wait for food, hungry waitors, terrible music, screaming children and lack of turnips on my plate means a solid score of 9/10.
Fury has erupted over a troupe of actors who have submitted a planning application to rebuild Maiden Castle.
Thespians With Attitude (TWAtts) want to build a full-size replica of the famous Iron Age monument on the site of its verdant green ramparts near Dorchestershire.
A spokesman said: ‘We need a castle to stage an al-fresco production of Rapunzel, which is the story of a maiden with very long hair. What better stage could we ask for than Dorchestershire’s very own Maiden Castle?’
The spokesman added that the erection would include the castle’s original feature of a very tall tower indeed made out of breeze blocks. Therefore, the TWAtts are also seeking a lady actor with extremely long hair to play the title role. Ideally, she should have hair that is about 100 metres long, said the spokesman. He added: ‘We do not want the actress to wear a wig, as we want the production to be as authentic as possible,’ said the spokesman.
Sheep living near to the scheduled ancient monument are believed to be furious about the potential noise and disruption the development would cause. Head Sheep, wool.i.am, said: ‘Ewe could not make it up. This is the worst planning application baa none that Dorchestershire has ever seen. We wool be complaining.’
The manhunt continues for 86-year-old Farmer Pete, and his violent attack dog Fluffles. Police have been searching for Pete Dung since Monday lunchtime. He got into a fight with a young couple who were eating a romantic lunch at The Horse and Concubine. Mr. and Mrs. Arse-Smith said they were shocked and appalled at Mr. Dung’s actions, and also noted the strong smell of manure about his person.
This is not the first time the police have been interested in him. His actions in the 80s got him the name ‘Pete The Piddletrenthyde Pervert’, but this is a new notch in his portfolio of crime.
If you happen to see Mr. Dung, please email Piddletrenthyde Criminal Corrections and Bridge Club officer Sue ‘Butch’ Walker – firstname.lastname@example.org
PS: Fluffles has given birth to three adorable puppies, available now for re-homing. Your’s for just £50 each, as a donation to the upkeep of this revolutionary Internet Web-site.