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Fine Dining at Super-market Cafe

Busty and I were privileged enough to experience the fine dining treats on offer yesterday afternoon at the local super-market. As we loaded our shopping, mostly bottles of the Slovakian vodka Drainkleenar into the Micra (car share, innit), we thought why not see what the food hall had to offer. After all, the food there is sourced locally and you can’t get much fresher produce when all it has to travel is 10m from aisle five to plate.

I ordered the chicken burger and chips – probably one of those frozen chicken in breadcrumb jobbies from aisle seven. Rather tasty, but it was garnished with strange green bits, a red circle and arrived at the table with what looked suspiciously like a bite out of it. Busty told me that many of her Slovak countryfolk who worked in the food business would try to eat some of the food before it was plated and served up, because pay was so low and they weren’t allowed breaks for lunch. Staffing is similar in Dosret super-markets.

Busty, ever the adventurous type, ordered the fish in turnip jus, with mashed turnip. You could really taste the turnips. Turnip-tastic, she said, although she may have been referring to the woman she met last night at a social shindig.

We sneaked in a bottle of the Drainkleenar, which mixed rather well with the two lartays we had.

So overall, a 30-minute wait for food, hungry waitors, terrible music, screaming children and lack of turnips on my plate means a solid score of 9/10.

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Fury over planning application to rebuild Maiden Castle

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Fury has erupted over a troupe of actors who have submitted a planning application to rebuild Maiden Castle.

Thespians With Attitude (TWAtts) want to build a full-size replica of the famous Iron Age monument on the site of its verdant green ramparts near Dorchestershire.

A spokesman said: ‘We need a castle to stage an al-fresco production of Rapunzel, which is the story of a maiden with very long hair. What better stage could we ask for than Dorchestershire’s very own Maiden Castle?’

The spokesman added that the erection would include the castle’s original feature of a very tall tower indeed made out of breeze blocks. Therefore, the TWAtts are also seeking a lady actor with extremely long hair to play the title role. Ideally, she should have hair that is about 100 metres long, said the spokesman.  He added: ‘We do not want the actress to wear a wig, as we want the production to be as authentic as possible,’ said the spokesman.

Sheep living near to the scheduled ancient monument are believed to be furious about the potential noise and disruption the development would cause. Head Sheep, wool.i.am, said: ‘Ewe could not make it up. This is the worst planning application baa none that Dorchestershire has ever seen. We wool be complaining.’

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Spate of violent crime in Piddletrenthyde continues

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The manhunt continues for 86-year-old Farmer Pete, and his violent attack dog Fluffles. Police have been searching for Pete Dung since Monday lunchtime. He got into a fight with a young couple who were eating a romantic lunch at The Horse and Concubine. Mr. and Mrs. Arse-Smith said they were shocked and appalled at Mr. Dung’s actions, and also noted the strong smell of manure about his person.

This is not the first time the police have been interested in him. His actions in the 80s got him the name ‘Pete The Piddletrenthyde Pervert’, but this is a new notch in his portfolio of crime.

If you happen to see Mr. Dung, please email Piddletrenthyde Criminal Corrections and Bridge Club officer Sue ‘Butch’ Walker – hotbabe999@dorset.police.uk

PS: Fluffles has given birth to three adorable puppies, available now for re-homing. Your’s for just £50 each, as a donation to the upkeep of this revolutionary Internet Web-site.

Thrilling times at the caravan park

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Last week, I, Busty Jingles had the unique opportunity to spend leisure time in a static caravan! This was a unique and exciting experience for me as Slovakia doesn’t have any of these, not even on the outskirts. Most Dosret folk never get the chance to sit in a caravan because the bloody tourists have taken them all.  This is called second homes for twats.

I relished the chance to sit inside on matching, padded furniture and eat fantastic food such as chicken goujons, crisps and fine wine. For me, my earliest memories are of stewed turnips and firewater, so this was an excellent improvement.

Most of the static caravans have a view of neighbouring caravans, which is lovely but if you want a view of the sea it’s a simple thing to step out and walk around a bit until you find the sea.

If you are very quick or are prepared to wait a long time, around 20 years, you could move to the front of the caravan park and have that view for yourself. This is the best because you can see the sea without even moving the TV (yes, there’s even TV in a static) or getting up from your settee.

Lucky Busty! More adventures coming soon.

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Breaking weather warning thingy

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Alright? Here goes then. Reports in from the Environments Agents people in Londonshire say it’s going to piss down big time all day today. And all night too.

If you haven’t got a good cagoule, you know like an expensive one with a Gawtex lining, you’re screwed. That’s all you gotta know.

Advice from the mapsters is to cancel everything; do not attempt to enjoy yourself. You might want to smash up your barbecue as a precaution.

Find out more about breaking wind and weather at  www.icantbelieveitsnotsummer.org.

Tough tits for Dosret Dancers

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Dosret women are taking on the men by cutting off their breasts to get into the famous Samesex morris dancing troup, finds Dosret Dairies reporter Busty Jiggler.

‘I used to have a fantastic pair of knockers – absolute beauties,’ said one local lady who did not wish to be named. ‘My husband’s mad as a bull on heat. He loves to love and just I love to dance, so that’s why I done it.’

The row broke out when bristols were observed jiggling during a morris dance, which alerted the all-male troup to the presence of the laydees. The rules stipulate that only beer bellies and man boobs may move. All other wobbling is strictly against the rules, according to Head Morris Man, Mr Maurice Mann.

‘In another context, we’re not averse to watching breasts in motion,’ Mr Mann dribbled ‘But traditions are set in stone round these parts innit.’

The women say they’ll carry on their fight, in spite of the upset – and the blood all over the carpet.

Follow the row on Titter @bustyjigglers

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Breaking: Colmer’s Hill to feature on tonight’s Volcano Live

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BBC's Volcano Live in Dorset

Everyone know’s Symondsbury’s famous landmark – Colmer’s Hill. But did you know that it’s actually an active volcano? I thought not, but this evening the BBC will reveal what’s really going on under the feet of the folk of Bridport. Reports from those who have been rambling in the area (you’ve been warned once already) include Kate Humble with a pneumatic drill and sticks of dynamite, shouting “DO SOMETHING YOU STUPID MOUNT!”, as well as the other presenter (who’s name has not been made clear yet) rocking up in Mini Winny (the world’s only mobile volcanic hub – a camper van with a television for those not in the know).